Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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