8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
