Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Gay?
German.
Pity.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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