So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
