Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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