is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
