I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
