I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
only you would photoshop your dick
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Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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