No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
