It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
