TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
