I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
