Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
as a side note pls kill me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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