remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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