Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I lost the right to judge tonight
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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