Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
