He told me they were just razor bumps!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
