Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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