I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
