I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
