Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
