I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
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you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize