I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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