I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You smell like stripper and shame
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
