Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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