My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
bring money and cleavage
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
