apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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