dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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