I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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