I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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