I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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