the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
