the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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