Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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