My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
