Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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