There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
