Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
