I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
