the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
