The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
