it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
