be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
