i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
