i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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