I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
