A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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