Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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