our cab driver is having phone sex.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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