am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
