put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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