the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
