Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
