She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
