On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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