There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
