i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
