Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
