At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
