Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
