I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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