Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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